You ever wake up and feel like running away? Run as fast as you can, as far as you can? I know I’ve felt that way a lot. Today is one of those days but why do I feel like running?
I feel like right now everything I’m doing isn’t good enough for anyone. As if no matter how hard I try I’ll always be one step behind, a little slower than the rest.
Where’s a life preserver when I need one?
What has brought on this desire to run? Just small things really. Like what you may ask..
I’ve got an okay job making okay money.
Unfortunately, the money is all going to bills. I need to figure out what bills to pay off first and then work on the others. I don’t know where to start with that. Maybe by looking at which ones are the smaller bills and paying the smaller bills off first then focusing on the bigger bills? That’s a thought I could do that.
What else?
I’m just tired of winter. I’m tired of the cold and damp. I’m tired of the gray skies. I’m tired of slush and snow. I’m tired of having to dress in layers. I’m ready for spring and sunshine.
I’m tired of feeling like I’m failing. But, what are you failing in you might wonder? I feel like I should be doing more. I look at the people I went to school with and see how happy and succesfull they are with careers and family and will I ever have that? Is it some strange goal that I’m striving towards? Is it so wrong to want a family? Should I even be thinking about that at my age? I know I’m 24 and I know I’ve got time for it I just wonder at the same time if a family is truly what I want or could I be content just being with the man that I want to spend the rest of my life with. Most likely I could be content enough just for that. But what I’m afraid of is that he’s gunna run because he’ll get scared or get tired of being here. Does that sound stupid? I’m sure it does. He’s done told me he’s not going to but there are times when I’ll steal a glance and he’ll be lost in thought and I know he’s reliving old memories and the past and I don’t know what to do when he gets like that. Do I just leave it be and stay positive and focused on the here and now? I guess that’s all I can do and all I can do is to continue to love him the best that I know how. Because I do love him and I hope he knows that. I hope he knows just how important he is in my life. I know it’s hard to show at times or tell him but that’s because I don’t want to sound stupid and I know he worries about that too. Hell, we’ve both told each other that we don’t want to sound stupid but you know something maybe it’d be better sounding stupid trying to tell how I feel then not say anything at all.
I haven’t read any real good liteature lately or poetry. Why? It all just blends together. None of it is keeping my attention and I find myself drifting. If I could find something that would capture my attention long enough so I didn’t feel like a spastic three year old with ADD then maybe I would be reading.
I haven’t been writing much either. I just don’t feel very creative lately. It’s not so much writer’s block. It’s more so that when I read other people’s works (my friends) and other artists that I find myself comparing myself to them and seeing that my stuff isn’t worth anything and it’s just a big pile of stinking you know what and there stuff is like gold. Maybe I shouldn’t compare myself to them. Maybe I should stop worrying about trying to be perfect when it comes to my writing and just write. Easier said then done though.
Writing usually makes me feel better but now I’m just feeling sad.
I wish I was being held right now. I know that sounds stupid but being held makes me feel safe because then I can lay my head on Daniel’s chest and listen to his heart beating. It’s a comfort thing. And being held and finding comfort in that is much better then trying to satisfy that feeling of emptiness with a big plate of food
Valentine’s Day – it’s a time for those in love. A time for people to spend money on chocolates, flowers, cards, stuffed animals, jewelery, or whatever else strikes their fancy. It is also a time when those that are single feel the bitter pangs of disappointment because they are alone.
This year I was not alone on Valentine’s Day. Even though I had to work I was still not alone. The man that I love and choose to be with was by my side. Okay, so technically he was asleep.. That’s beside the point.
It was a good day depsite work.
I didn’t get Daniel much for Valentine’s. Just a card and a bakset with a lion and some chocolates. He didn’t open the card. It seemed strange to me that he didn’t but he told me this morning he was scared to because it might make noise. I told him that wasn’t my thing to do. I was never big on cards that make noise.
Anyway.. moving on..
It was my first day on the floor in transition and it’s not that the calls were difficult. It was just trying to remember where to go in the systems to find the information and making sure the customer had the right information to go on. In time I’m sure that things will start flowing more smoothly and that I will become less frustrated.
In a way, I felt a lot like lamb going to slaughter. Unsure and floundering around like a fish out of water. Yeah, strange I know to use two metaphors in the same sentence but it is what it is.
I’ve had a lot of thoughts running through my head lately. I just don’t know to get them down properly. If I could unjumble them I’m sure that Daniel would get an earful but a lot of times I’ve just been quiet and I know it worries him. I don’t mean to worry him. On the other hand, some of the thoughts are just about stupid things that I can’t control and that he can’t fix. Maybe if I made a list of things that would help to sort things out. Anything’s possible.
At the moment it’s 5 pm. I haven’t done much today. It was snowing and up until about 2:00 I stayed at the house. I went out after the snow melted and picked up some things from the grocery mostly for work and dinner stuff for tomorrow. Put gas in my car. It started snowing again while I was out. It wasn’t to bad driving but it’ll probably get worse.
All my bills have been paid for the month. That was done at the beginning of the month and today. So now I just have to pay bills for next month. I’m tired of bills. But that’s a part of being a “grown up” and they aren’t something that can be ignored as much as one would like to do so.
Not much to do this evening.. just relax. It’s my day off today and tomorrow and then back to the grind from Wed-Sun. The hours aren’t bad. I just need to have more confidence in myself. But with anything that will come in time. I can’t beat myself up to much as it was only my first day outside of the classroom on the floor. It probably could have been a lot worse and I’m probably making it seem like it was the worst thing ever.
I’m gunna hop off here and watch a little tv.
100 Things about Me (In No Particular Order)
1. I like to plan ahead on most things. Whether or not the plan actually happens is something entirely different.
2. I don’t write as often as I should.
3. Books have often offered physical, spiritual, and emotional comfort when nothing else could. Strange and bizarre? I’m sure to most people it is.
4. I’m not much of an extrovert. It takes a lot for me to feel comfortable outside of my limitations. Once I get past those limitations I usually have a lot of fun.
5. I’m a good speller but my grammar is often lacking.
6. I take myself seriously and other people too. Sometimes, this isn’t such a good thing.
7. I’m drawn to a variety of different people. It doesn’t matter the reason why. If I like you and being around you then that’s just how it is.
8. I like people with stories and people who can tell stories.
9. I’d love to be able to travel for a year without worrying about bills and money.
10. I watch certain TV shows and listen to music more often than not.
11. I don’t understand why people don’t read for pleasure or listen to books on tape/CD.
12. I like turtles and penguins. I have more turtles collected than penguins.
13. I prefer schedules that are set but I’m learning to go with ones that aren’t.
14. I like sweet snacks over salty, milk chocolate over dark and warm weather over cold.
15. I like to dance but I’m terrible at it.
16. I used to think I had a plan for life but I’ve since thrown it out the window.
17. It is difficult for me to be truly angry but when it does happen I hold a grudge far longer than I should.
18. I’m more often annoyed then truly angry and sometimes I feel that there are those people out there who do it purposely.
19. I do not trust easily. Once I let you in though you’ll know.
20. I’m fairly guarded when it comes to me and who I am but if you ask me a question I will most likely answer it.
21. I’m not much a fan of Starbucks coffee.
22. I don’t have a favorite holiday.
23. Asking me what my favorite book, song, or movie is annoys me. It doesn’t always stay the same.
24. I hate the idea of being caged in (physically and metaphorically)
25. I’m not big on shiny gadgets. I have what I need and we leave it at that.
26. I don’t have tattoos but I want at least two.
27. I prefer to be barefoot.
28. I am the youngest. I have an older brother.
29. My brain can be my own worst enemy especially right before sleeping.
30. I don’t like going to the movies by myself.
31. I don’t like sleeping with a top sheet but I do it anyway.
32. I’m bad with numbers.
33. My college degree (English with a minor in technical writing/editing) is not being used productively. Instead I am phone junkie.
34. Someday I’d like to open a business. I’m not sure what sort though.
35. I want a basset hound. A boy. I’m not sure what to name him.
36. I would like to think a persons word should be there bond. Unfortunately, most no longer keep their word.
37. I took the nerd, geek, dork test. I just don’t remember which one I was.
38. Someday I would like to have a deep, claw-foot slipper tub. I shall fill it with milk and honey bubble bath and soak for hours.
39. I like walking in the rain if it’s a warm rain.
40. I would like to say that I enjoy discussing religion and faith but I often feel as if I don’t know what I’m really saying so I tend to keep quiet and hide in the shadows to listen.
41. I don’t usually become bored with a job unless the job itself is boring.
42. I like puzzles most of the time.
43. It is easy for people to embarrass me.
44. It is very easy for me to embarrass myself.
45. I despise public speaking.
46. I have an inquisitive personality.
47. I like a variety of books. Fantasy, historical fiction, sci-fi (if it’s any good), travel, religious, an occasional romance.
48. Vampire fiction is alright.
49. Laughing is important to me.
50. I’m not much of a girly-girl.
51. I hate to be categorized though I know we all do it.
52. My sense of humor is pretty light though it has dabbled into the darker side a time or two.
53. I’m an overly nice person who likes telling people yes a lot.
54. I have a hard time saying no to a lot of things.
55. I can’t sing at all but I try.
56. I’m not much for caffeine.
57. I’m a morning person more so then a night person.
58. I want to be reincarnated as a turtle.
59. I can’t blow bubbles with bubble gum.
60. I’m left-handed.
61. I used to keep a list of books that I’ve read but I’ve stopped. I should probably go back to it.
62. I like to collect journals even if I may not write in them. Bad habit.
63. I like the color purple and blue and silver. Green is okay.
64. I prefer white gold and silver but the ring on my finger is yellow gold and that’s okay by me.
65. Like Scout from “To Kill a Mockingbird” I don’t remember ever not knowing how to read.
66. I cry easily but not as much as I used to. At least, not lately.
67. I believe in God (or Goddess) I don’t think gender is the point. I consider myself a spiritual person.
68. However, I also believe a person’s spirituality is a private thing. I don’t participate in organized religion.
69. I was a Girl Scout.
70. I love good food but cooking good food is often hard to do.
71. I trust my judgment. Most of the time.
72. I don’t know how to use chopsticks.
73. I hate mopping the floor.
74. I love doing laundry.
75. I want to learn yoga.
76. I’d rather call a stranger on the phone then speak in front of people. Goes back to the dislike of public speaking.
77. I’m afraid of heights but I want to sky-dive.
78. I also want to take a hot air balloon ride.
79. I’m a patient person for most things.
80. I am always early or right on time.
81. I read very fast.
82. I wish I had a bicycle but there’s nowhere in town to ride it.
83. I am extremely nearsighted.
84. I’m still learning to play guitar.
85. Someday I hope to get married.
86. I usually know where to find things.
87. I’m a bad liar.
88. I don’t get the point of frozen peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
89. I don’t like shopping.
90. I’d like to live somewhere near water even though I’ve never seen the ocean or been on a beach
91. I would like to publish a book but that means actually writing one completely.
92. I thought about being a psychology major.
93. I prefer sunsets over sunrises and moonrises over sunsets.
94. I can’t write poetry the way I used to.
95. I’ve wrecked every car I’ve ever owned.
96. I like candles and collect them based on scent and not how they look.
97. I have a hard time sleeping in.
98. Even though I go to a Chinese restaurant I usually order curry chicken to go.
99. I’m horribly unorganized.
100. I enjoy the silence of early mornings when nobody else is awake.
Silence, loud punctuated silence. It fills the air with tension. How I hate when it gets like this. It’s as if the walls that make up the room the ones that once seemed so large are closing in. Space compresses, time passes, and the room grows smaller. There’s not a sound to be heard. There is no ticking of a clock in the background to distract, no noise coming from anywhere except inside. The beat of your heart fills your ears. Tick tock. Tick tock. Thump. Thump. Thump. You breathe in, you breathe out. There’s a primal urge inside to scream aloud. You don’t. You sit there and you hold it in as the walls continue to close around you. You feel trapped. What do you do? Count the seconds as they go by and try to distract yourself but it doesn’t work. Try to find things to do. All the while your brain processes a million thoughts. They buzz about in your brain like a fly. Bzztt. Bzztt. Bzztt. You want to reach out and grab the thoughts to stop the buzzing and yet you don’t. You let yourself grow maddened by the noise inside your head. So many noises each as distracting as the rest. How do you stop it? Do you want to stop it? No. You just let it continue on as the silence grows and the walls close in.
What makes you happy/content?
Is it warm blankets at night, towels out of the dryer, holding the one you love? What? Why?
I sit here and I try to think of something profound to say. Some words of wisdom to spark thought in whomever’s eyes are grazing this page at this instant and yet blank. All that runs through my head are lyrics of a song. What song?
These are the lyrics that are occupying my mind.
And in my darkest moment, fetal and weeping. The moon tells me a secret. My confidant. ‘As full and bright as I am, this light is not my own
A million light reflections pass over me’
It’s source is bright and endless.
She resuscitates the hopeless
Without her we are lifeless satellites drifting.
And why do we drift? Do we choose to drift through life? Do we make the concious decision to do so? I think that we do. Some drift with purpose and others without. How do you know what your purpose is? Is not having a purpose in life other then exsisting a problem? Is not knowing what your purpose for being here a problem? Is knowing what your purpose is and not being able to fulfill that purpose a problem? Is having a purpose better then not having one? What does it matter? Does it matter? Does any of it?
I’m not depressed. Really I’m not. In fact, I’m quite the opposite of depressed. It’s funny the conversations one has with other people. The one I had most recently was about colors. I’m not talking about colors like crayon colors but colors of people. My co-worker sees colors of people. Auras are what they are called. She says my colors are hard colors. Dark reds and blues and out there in left field is a little bit of yellow. She says she and I are alike in our colors but her colors are dark and hard. What she said makes a lot of sense to me but it would most likely be a bunch of hokey mumbo jumbo to the average reader. I can explain it if asked though.
I know I’m just sitting here rambling but sometimes I think it’s better to ramble and not really have a set path of thought. It’s like meandering through the woods and coming to a fork and then you decide which fork you want to take. Oh great, now I’m being all exenstentalist. Trust me, I’m not trying to spout about roads less traveled and Robert Frost and all that nonsense. Really, that was my least favorite of his poems. My favorite Frost poem even though I really don’t even like Frost is “Fire and Ice” but truly he is not my favorite poet. My favorite poet is William Blake. My favorite poem by Blake is “Auguries of Innocence” I wanted to write a paper on this poem but never did. Why? Because, the poem itself is very long. Instead, I took a section of the poem and wrote on that. What part? Well, if you’re really that curious it was really the first lines of the poem that I wrote about.
To see a world in a grain of sand
And heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand
And eternity in an hour.
Those first few lines in his poem always seemed magical to me. I don’t know. It’s hard to explain why really. Not because I can’t explain why but articulating clearly on the why without sounding like I’m talking out of my ass is hard to do. I promise I do know what I’m talking about despite what a lot of people think. I may act stupid at times but I’m far from it. I can hold a conversation on any given topic whether it be on poetry or the proper way to cook a dog. Of course, that all depends on the type of dog and what part of the country it’s from. But that’s neither here nor there nor do I really condone cooking dog unless well you’re into that sort of thing. I personally am not into that unless I absolutely had nothing to eat but truly I digress not that I really am digressing as I really didn’t have a set topic.
I realize I haven’t written on here in ages and ages hence. It’s not because I don’t want to write. I do want to write but every time I sat down it just seemed trite and not like me and my free flowing style. It was as if I were forcing myself to conform to something I wasn’t or am not. I don’t want my words to seem forced. I want them free-flowing like a stream trickling over river rock. There I go again with the nature theme.
I was recently asked what I wanted for Christmas? The truth… I don’t know what I want. I mean let’s face it I’ve got plenty of clothes and shoes and I’ve got books and journals and loads of inkpens. I’ve got my computer and I’ve got my music. What could I be given that would make me happy? The trite answer that I’ve stolen from somebody is peace of mind, happiness, and serenity. But, at the same time I’ve found that. I’ve found all three of those because of the one that I am with. I know that may seem strange to some but love is strange and wonderful. The word love is enough to strike fear into the heart of any man or woman. It’s such a grandoise concept that it’s near impossible to describe. Yet, I have that somebody in my life that means a great deal to me. Somebody that I love very much. I’ve tried so hard to convey the right words to explain the reasons why I love him. It’s difficult to do but at the same time I know the words are there. It’s been a year now. An entire year. Technically, it was a year last month. The day after Thanksgiving. This will officially be our first Christmas together. So, the question remains. Why do I love him?
I love him because he cares about me and makes me feel that I’m needed and wanted. He makes me feel important and that I can do whatever I set my mind to because I have his support. I love him because he can make me smile and laugh and always comes up with something to lift me out of funky mood. I love him for the way he looks at when he thinks that I’m not looking and the sparkle he gets in his eyes and for the way he smiles at me even if the day has been lousy. I love him because despite our differences we also have a lot of things in common. I love him because he deserves to be loved and deserves to have somebody care about him in the way that I do. Daniel, you mean a great deal to me and I wouldn’t change anything that’s happened between us because otherwise we might not have had the experiences we have shared. These are but a few of the simple reasons why I love him.
Sometimes, saying “I love you” doesn’t seem like enough but it’ll have to do because that’s truly all I have and all I can offer to him is my love and my heart. So, again, I know that Christmas approaches and he’ll ask me what I want. What I want is what we are already working towards. Yes, granted, sparkly things are nice but those are tangible and come in time. Something solid, something much more important is what I want. First and foremost, what I want is a place for the two of us. Whatever comes after that will come in its own time. It may not be tomorrow or next week. It may not even be next month but those things will come. Just got to have a little faith in the universe that the universe will sort everything out.
So, that’s it for me. Well, for now anyway. I’m sure I’ll be back to blogging every day/every other day soon enough. Winter is a strange time for me. I go into hibernation mode in regards to writing and sometimes it comes and sometimes it doesn’t but know that I’m here and I’m around and I’m well and I am happy.
For those reading this.. I hope that your holidays find you well and that the New Year brings you many blessings.
My mind is clear. At least, clearer then it has been in the past however many months I’ve spent hiding inside of myself and inside of my self-pity. I’m not sure what has brought about the clairty. Maybe the drinking on Friday night washed out whatever was inside of me. Those who know me know I don’t drink, very much. The last time was July 4th. It’s definitely not a habit of mine. But, it is what it is and I did what I did. I drank. I drank to forget. I drank to not have the thoughts swirling about in my head fragments of memories. It worked. They aren’t swirling. They are settling like gold flakes at the bottom of a stream, glittering, glinting. They are waiting for me to pick up and to examine. Reach my fingers in and sift through. One by one compartmentalize the thoughts into catagories and the catagories into sub-catagories. Arrange all of them neatly in a row. Line them up on a shelf one by one alphabetical from past points in previous years to the present day and how? Why do this? Arrange my memories like shelves on a bookcase. Pull them down, look at them, put them back. They will be there always. It is but my choice to pick them up and look.
If it’s something we want or desire or something that we can change within ourselves why not do it?
Why not do it?
Because as a whole we are afraid.
Afraid of change because change is scary.
Afraid of failure and of falling down.
Afraid of not being able to pick ourselves up again.
Afraid of it hurting so much that it breaks us.
If it does break us can we not rebuild ourselves into something better? Into something that means so much more than what we used to be?
I would like to think that we can.
So what say you?
The nights are getting colder and the sun is setting earlier. Soon it will be Fall. Fall is my favorite season. I love watching the leaves change color. I love how a lot of them are varigated in color. The green turning to red and orange to yellow. Pretty to look at and even more fun to crunch through especially in the early mornings when you can see your breath in the air. The smells, the sights. It’s a wonderful time of the year.