Me, Myself, and I

Weeks are passing by in a blur. Days blend into days. Weeks blend to weeks and months blend to months. After a while it all starts looking the same. When it all starts looking the same I get restless and agitated. This does not bode well for me or the people around me. When this happens I need to go out and wander around as in taking walks until I’ve exhausted myself and my brain turns off. My brain keeps turning and turning and I’m tired of it. It’s especially tiring when it’s late at night and I should be asleep. How do you turn your brain off when your body is tired? Where’s the ignition switch to turn it off? If a human head was like a car things would be a lot easier. At least I think so.    

Currently Reading

Hey, Cowgirl, Need a Ride?

Odd Hours

The Collected Works of T.S. Spivet

If we had all the answers to all of life’s questions then where would we be? We’d be in a state of perfection, well, kind of. If we had all the answers to all of life’s questions we would know where we were going and who we would meet along the way. We would know who would be our friends, our enemies, our lovers. We would know at what age we would get our first job, our first car, and house. We would know at what age we would retire, what age we would get married, have children, and die. If we had all the answers in life to all of the questions that we have life would be dull. It wouldn’t be filled with the unexpected moments of happiness, the little things that bring the greatest joy. If we had all of the answers to all of life’s questions then humanity as sad as humanity might be in the present world would cease to be as it is or what it will be in the future. Sure it might be nice knowing certain things but life needs mystery and surprise. It can’t be straight-laced and boring all the time. That’s not how we as humans are meant to function. We enjoy spontaneity entirely too much to have all the answers laid out in front of us.

In the quiet darkness thoughts in my head swim back and forth like fish. A dazzling array of colors going by. My eyes dart back and forth as I stare at the ceiling. I should be asleep and yet I find myself awake now. To many nights I have found myself awake and restless and wondering. There are things that run through my head that should be discussed and yet the thoughts are never fully formed coherent in the mind so how can I be expected to speak them if all they are silver threads dangling along like lure on a fishing line.

Sometimes I think I’ve become too emotionally attached. The starfish mentality really that’s what I think it is. Stick to what you can because when you find something good you don’t want to let it go. What happens though when you cling too tight, what happens when you’re constantly stuck to whatever it is you’ve attached yourself to? How do you pull back? Do you know how? Do you want to? You don’t want to become so emotionally distant that you’re cold but you don’t want to become so attached that your every waking moment is filled with nothing but thoughts of who it is you are attached to and what they are doing. Doing this drives you crazy and drives them crazy so how do you find the balance between being attached emotionally and being detached to do your own thing? I don’t know how to find it. I’m not sure if anybody can explain it to me either. Part of my problem is that I live by my emotions more so then I do my head. Heart over head ruling. Sometimes the head wins but most often it is the heart. So, balance… how?

Awkward pauses and long silences in the room. The air is heavy with tension. If you had a knife you could probably cut through it. Everyone shuffling their dinner around on plates in front of them. Cut, scrape, stab, chew, and swallow. Repeat as required. You meet the eyes of the one person you know usually has something to say. No words uttered. Unsure now what to do. You drop your eyes. The mood is somber and not the way you would like it to be. Emotions are high. You wish somebody would say something funny to break the monotony of silence but you all continue to stare lost in the thoughts you can not escape.

Sometimes the best nights are the ones with no plans and no expectations. The ones that lead to new experiences. These experiences are especially good when you share them with somebody you are head over heels in love with. To watch them as they watch you exploring your own sexuality. It’s a sensual pleasure that comes from deep within the core of the body. To watch and be watched is an experience that you will remember for long times to come. You don’t forget something like that. It’s real and it is good. It’s a thrilling experience and one you hope to repeat again.

There are things that just feel right. There are things that aren’t meant to be explained by words alone.  There are as they are because it is something inside you. A feeling more than words. The topsy turvy upside down rollercoaster feeling or butterflies flitting about inside yourself or even just a sense of peace.  It’s best not to question the things that feel right. It is better to just go with them and let them flow naturally and not worry about the how’s and why’s and not worry about trying to explain why something is a certain way. If it feels right then do it.

I haven’t written much lately. Just lots of thoughts swirling about and not much I want to share.